tossable

sooner or later it was all bound to come out
i almost had myself convinced that it really could be ok
just keep moving and the hurt wont catch up
instead it grew and grew as it rolled up behind me
and just when i was too tired to keep running
it all came down over me
i didnt think id feel this worthless.. this not worth IT
that i would be not enough to make it worth working at
and to have to question if its because i am simply not what he wants
or not wantable
really i should feel blessed
its taken this many years to run into being pushed aside
but it doesnt come across that hopefull
when being alone is all thats around
its too hard to stay like this, not me like this
but i cant remember her
and if i could
would i still be tossable

a letter awaiting you

I don't think I could be a bigger fool, to have you think I'd give up on you. You've been in my heart from the second our eyes met, parting from you has only ever brought tourment.
I wonder if it's possible to mess up destiny or be mindless enough that it gets taken away.
So, I'm going to try to explain myself here, in chance that you'll still come to see my heart fumbled into words.
I never want to loose you. I've dreaded it from the moment we met.
I've felt this rush to live fair and true. Maybe that's part of why I hurried to say those things to you.
More truth be told- at night, before I drift off to places I might find you, I try to remember considering "what if I was her?" And how my heart would ache to glance at any of this.
Rather the "I love you"s that have been put down between us reffer to today or a day ten years past, the fact we still put them out would be devastating to me, if I was her.
And if for a second, she is anything like me (which maybe entirely unfair to assume) it would permanetly scar to think you are letting another that close to your heart.
Having been the wife, who caught that kind of glance, how could I let myself have any thing to do with that kind of injustice, to her and the way it would ultimately affect you.
Please don't think I would ever pretend your words said you'd rather be with me, the reason for this is no assumption like that. The ugly truth is, I've let myself be some thing I hate by merely longing for this much closeness with some one who promised to belong some where else.
Another woman's husband.
And when you even whispered "divorce" my heart throbbed with memories. Not that your predicament is reltive to me or mine, but some selfish part of me tried to squeeze myself into your life at that moment. It truly disgusts me that, even if only for a heartbeat, I could be that self-centered and unconcerned.
I've craved being wanted, the way you once did me, for so long, I actually pictured taking that away from some one else, and I wonder what I've become.
Here we are. I've put the same words out there to you, that once wrecked me to know my husband accepted from some one else. Thinking it's okay to do because it's the naked truth, with out regard for how it could potentially taint the heart of the one who is home for your eyes.
So, do I want to "let you go"? Hell no! Do I even really believe I'd be capable?- Impossible. But would I try to distance myself from the chance to do it again and again for the sake of your family's peace and happiness....

cease

days like today
i just want to be alone
yet still here i am
clutching the phone

nothing is fair
or what it seemed
maybe it'd feel better
if allowed to scream

what i want is long gone
or never exisited
exhausted of hanging on
to dried up wishes

time for putting the fire
in this heart out
no sense living for
what i'm going without

oh, to close my eyes
and not have to return
cease crying and longing
and hard lessons learned

all a dream

Just you and me, our own world
Our love, the purpose for my soul

Late night walks, sturm of guitar
Sweet hill tops and pulsing stars

Beautiful and breath taking
Whisper to me while love making

The life ahead all a dream
Forest settings of wedding scenes

Your heart and kisses in the right places
Your eyes I've longed for in too many faces